Why Don't I Post A Lot?

This question has been plaguing me for the last few weeks.

I know that I don't post a lot on social media because that's what I do for work, and I get exhausted.

But is that really the case? Or is it just an excuse because I don't want to confront a deeper truth?

I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately. I read the book The Compound Effect by Daren Hardy (I really recommend it!), and since then I've been trying to make small improvements in my life.

I've been going on daily walks, learning Spanish through Duolingo, and even recently enrolled at Tri-C for Interior Design (something I've been interested in for a long time but never committed to).

As I've implemented habits to make my life better, I've realized that I am 'scared' of a lot of things. I've had anxiety my entire life, so being anxious is nothing new.

But I've never realized how fearful I have been until now.

I'm worried about going on long walks in the heat because I might get sweaty and be uncomfortable for the rest of the work day. I worry about losing interest in Spanish. I worry about Interior Design not being for me, or getting bad grades, or having too much work.

Coupled with this unconscious fear is a lack of self-worth. I don't write blog posts because I don't know if I'm necessarily the best to give my opinion on a subject. I don't post on social media because I don't think what I'm doing is 'worth posting about.' I feel like I'm not doing enough, and because of that, I don't deserve feedback.

And, finally, I am a perfectionist. Whether it's due to a neurodivergence, trauma, anxiety, or just a part of me, I am an intense perfectionist. If it's not perfect, why produce it? That's what makes it so hard for me to finish books. I know they could always be better. And that crippling fear keeps me from completing projects.

But, I'm trying.

The first step, of course, is being honest with myself. And the honest truth is that I am afraid. Afraid of things not being perfect. Of not being everything I want to be.

So, this is me trying. I'm going to try posting more consistently, whether it's 'perfect' or not. Whether I think it's worth doing or not. And I will try. Because, in the end, what else can I do?

Have you ever been crippled by the same problems? How did you break out of it? Did you break out of it? Either way, let's support one another! Just know that you're loved!